The Possibility of Brotherhood |
Wednesday Mar 07 2007
Bio
We are three brothers from an Italian family: ages 61, 66 and 71. (I laugh every time I say my age, because I just don't get that I've been around for 61 years). Anyway, we obviously have a lot of history together. There were some fond memories, but for me there were many more not so fond ones. As the 'baby' and youngest by 5 and 10 years, I never got to know my brothers very deeply. They certainly didn't know me.
Although I had big brothers, I didn't really. I mean I didn't have a 'big brother' to pal around with or guide me. These two older guys were into their own lives. I asked myself, "Why would they want a much younger guy with very different views to tag along?" For one thing, I wasn't into the Italian heritage that seemed to bond them. When they were around, I felt judged and belittled. I was beaten up a lot by my eldest brother—10 damn years older (how dare he?) And the other guy was never around.
Yet, they were pretty close to one another. They were a twosome. I was the third wheel. Always.
I realized how much I felt left out, not known nor appreciated. I saw the anger I harbored towards my eldest brother and how much distance I felt between me and my next brother. I avoided sharing my heart with them. Why would I? It just got stomped on by one or discarded by the other. Who needed them? I'd find my way without them.
Over the years, I would hear of constant criticism about me, my success and my lifestyle from them. We took very different paths in life—a brilliant scientist, a masterful horseman and a successful businessman. Interestingly, I think my success in business in part came from an "I'll show you" mindset. Unfortunately, that only gets you so far. As always, I couldn't cover up what hurt on the inside by succeeding in the external world.
I live two hours from one brother and five states away from the other. We're used to only getting together as a threesome once a year or so. A few months ago, we got together on a weekend for one of those visits. For me, it was an awful experience. All of my prior hurt came to the surface. I felt judgment and criticism from both. Once again, I felt abandonment from one and domination from the other. I felt like a nuisance, just like a bubble on a tire.
Rather suddenly, I let out my anger. First with one, and then the other. In that one weekend I became like Godzilla ready to crush whatever was in sight. I was fed up, man. And, I told them about 6 decades of horror. (Horror? Okay, I'm Italian and need a little flair for the dramatic.... but I was one upset dude.) They were both taken aback.
What I didn't realize was how much pain and sorrow was underneath all my anger until this encounter. The anger and confrontation surprisingly and suddenly turned to tears. It seemed those negative feelings had obscured my yearning to be close to them all those years. Now it came flooding out—I transformed from a salami into a tsunami. There I was, a 61-year-old very successful, together guy, balling like a 'baby' twice—once with each brother.
Now here's the interesting thing. My brothers seemed to shift from astonishment to compassion. Right before my eyes. I actually felt heard. Wow! They were not defensive. They each listened. [However, remember these conversations were occurring one-on-one, and not as a threesome. It's when the three of us convene that the major problems occur.]
So, after I mopped up the flood of tears, I began to consider another possibility. Maybe I was ready to forgive them. Maybe I was even ready to forgive myself. Could the past finally be over? Maybe, just maybe, we could create an amazing brotherhood. What if we could start relating to each other from the future—and do it all together? Perhaps we could re-discover who we were for each other. I thought, "Wouldn't it be great if we really trusted each other and could be open? Why can't we have a ball when we're together—it's really what we all want?"
Well, I began talking to one brother about the possibility and for an instant we were beginning to gang up on the third, agreeing he was too old-fashioned for this. We caught ourselves. It was the final glimpse into the past. We arranged a phone call and all got on it. I shared what was in my heart. I cried some more. They listened some more. They heard things they had never heard before. For once, I heard their sadness and incompletion from the past. We were all touched and we were all experiencing this at the same time. Then, we spoke of a new dream for us as brothers. What an incredible conversation!! What a difference!! A new beginning emerged!!
We now arrange a conference call each month. We talk about whatever hits us—sometimes we reminisce about the past, but more often we talk about the future. The second call wasn't deep, but it was pretty fun. We haven't yet gotten vulnerable, but we're making wonderful strides in relating. It's hard to believe that three hard-headed wops are creating a powerful partnership... and after all these years.
Well, that's about it. The burden from our history was dropped. Interestingly, I think we feel years younger. Thought this was gonna be a short share but I got carried away with enthusiasm.
Gotta go ... our monthly brotherhood call is in a few minutes.
Written by admin at Wisdom in Action
Tagged with: brotherhood history relationship
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