Fear of Dying |
Wednesday Feb 13 2008
For much of my life, I have had a private conversation about dying. It began as a young child, probably triggered by overhearing my parents talking about people fighting cancer or other scary diseases. When I was 12 and our family doctor knocked on the schoolroom door, my first thought was that he had figured out I was going to die. I was shocked to discover he had come to tell me my father had died of a heart attack at just 53. I was devastated!
Our family survived, mainly due to the strength and resourcefulness of my mother, along with a supportive extended family and local community. As for me, I learned to deal with my fears mainly through my internal conversations. Never as I child did I talk about this secret and only rarely in later life. Yet looking back, it is possible to see how this fear of dying influenced many of my life decisions and shaped the person I am today.
I got married when I was 21—much too young according to my Aunt Laura! But my wife and I were anxious to get on with raising a family. No time to waste seeing the world or pursuing idle interests! In those days of single incomes and stay-at-home moms, my role was clear and I was determined to provide for my family. Duty called!
As life’s milestones passed, my conversations about dying changed. At 30, I was apparently in perfect health—no evidence of cancer, heart failure or other dreaded illness. Still, I made sure we had as much life insurance as we could afford while the family continued to grow. And I invested in learning more about death, reading books like On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and participating in related courses. A life-changing experience for me was an experiential workshop with Bob Tannenbaum sponsored by NTL Institute. “Holding On, Letting Go” opened my eyes to the power of my fear and the possibility of release—a lesson I have gratefully had reinforced from time to time.
By the time I reached 40, dying had faded to a future possibility and I became more intentional about my commitment to physical fitness and, rather than avoiding the doctor’s office, looked forward to regular medical check-ups. Rather than seeing death as something to be feared, my focus was on increasing the length of time I would have. Life continued to be good!
Before age 50, there were a couple of bumps in the road. My wife’s unexpected open-heart surgery was a vivid reminder that our bodies can surprise us. And while she recovered fully, this marked the first time I ever considered the possibility of outliving her. Then a few years later, my employer downsized, freeing me to pursue my career elsewhere. What a great exercise in holding on and letting go! The result was a new investment in learning and creating new work possibilities. Dying was clearly in the background, except when faced with the passing of aging family members and friends.
My most recent and powerful experience with the death occurred with my mother about 18 months ago, the year I turned 60. Until then, death for me had always been about fear, denial, avoidance, or loss. I was all about ‘holding on for dear life’, in spite of what I might have learned to the contrary. As I get older and have surpassed even my most optimistic life expectancy, I am getting more comfortable with the end of life—others’ and my own.
So, my little voice is not talking much about dying these days, although logically it is closer than ever. Instead, I am focusing on family, career, home, and community, as well as what I might offer. Above all, I am still learning. To underline this, at church last Sunday, the children’s choir sang, “Kids under Construction”. It gave me great pleasure when Courtney, my seven-year-old granddaughter said to me later, “Grampa, it’s OK… God isn’t done with you yet!”
Written by admin at Fearless Aging
Tagged with: commitment death duty dying fear
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