 By Jim Selman | Bio
If
we think about retirement or growing older in general, it seems to me
that most of us are trying to figure out what we want for our future.
Our orientation is to explore options given whatever opening we have,
rather than to consider that aging is an opening and the challenge is to create new possibilities—not simply cope with our circumstances.[ Read More]
Written by eldering at Fearless Aging
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In the late 80s, Anne Wilson Schaef and Diane Fassel wrote a book called The Addictive Organization.
While I have a very different experience and theory than what they were
proposing, I think their metaphor was perfect. For me, the idea that an
organization or society can become ‘addicted’ is not a metaphor. I
believe, like Charles Horton Cooley, that “Individuals and
organizations are not separate phenomenon; they are the collective and
distributive aspects of the same thing”. The way I express this idea is
that “the ego is to the individual what the culture is to the
organization (or society”). What I am saying is that, from a phenomenological perspective, the ego
and culture are both self-referential structures of interpretation. [ Read More]
Written by eldering at The Great Turning
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 By Don Arnoudse | Bio
In his wonderful book From Age-ing to Sage-ing,
Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi notes that the Bible is lavish in its
praise of elders. ”It considers gray hair a crown of glory and wrinkles
a mark of distinction.” This really got me thinking. What if we
regarded the last part of our life—let’s just say the years after our
hair goes gray—to be the “crowning glory of our years”? Wow! What would
be possible from that perspective?[ Read More]
Written by eldering at Fearless Aging
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I always know my ideas are good when everyone else seems to be having
the same ones. A few months ago, we were engaged in discussions about
what Eldering is and had what seemed like a breakthrough at the time in
seeing eldering as the process of “intergenerational collaboration
through which we can create a common future”. Since then I have
discovered that this is not only not a new idea, but one that is taking
off like wildfire. This intergenerational ripple is just beginning with emerging conferences, workshops and articles. By the time the idea reaches academia (as reflected in intergenerational programs in Eckerd College’s prospectus
it is pretty much a given. “Intergenerational” is rapidly becoming a
new buzzword for working on the myriad intractable problems we are
facing on the planet.[ Read More]
Written by eldering at Wisdom in Action
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I was speaking about the future with my son recently over an
obscenely large steak at an Argentinian restaurant in Mexico City. We’d
just seen a real ‘shoot ’em up’ film which just happened to be called Shoot ’em Up.
The hero, a kind of homeless James Bond, lives on the street,
reminiscent of Lee Child’s character Jack Reach. They are both tougher
than tough guys, the kind of character who make the bad guys feel bad
that they ever met. Last night’s film was about 500 guys getting wasted
by the hero, including 20 or so in an aerial gunfight while skydiving.
This movie was way over the top. We talked about various film genres
and ended up declaring this will become a cult classic along the lines
of Pulp Fiction and Straw Dogs. This is definitely a guy film.[ Read More]
Written by Jim Selman at Wisdom in Action
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 A Happy Thanksgiving Day tribute to all our elder friends in Canada!
Thanks for the Elders
You have made my life richer.
And you have made me see the world anew
By bringing your perspective to my life. [ Read More]
Written by eldering at Wisdom in Action
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 I am officially on holiday. Darlene and I are in Granada seeing what is
perhaps one of the two or three top tourist destinations in Europe—The
Alhambra. Aside from this site being a unique and spectacular complex
of ancient fortifications and Arabic palaces, it also tells the story
of how temporal our lives and our civilizations really are. This one
had a pretty good run (about 800 years) before it was conquered in
1492, the same year Columbus set foot in the ‘New World’.
Our visit has been ‘dampened’ a bit by a deluge—the hardest downpour in years if our guide is to be believed. There is nothing like seeing a few thousand mostly retired and
uncomfortable tourists being herded in the rain by dozens of equally
uncomfortable guides waving umbrellas and shouting at the throng.
Everyone, including me, was torn between the desire not to miss
anything that our ticket allowed and wanting to retreat to the comfort
of a cozy bed-and-breakfast.[ Read More]
Written by Jim Selman at Personal Empowerment
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By Shae HaddenBio
As the evenings get cooler and days shorter here, summer holidays wind
down. Everyone seems to be preparing for the start of September, and
looking forward to the last real weekend before things start up again.
Most everyone I talk with has enjoyed some of the summer outside with
family and friends, and I find myself experiencing a twinge of regret.
For me, the last few months have been a blur of work indoors in front
of the computer, interspersed with a few brief moments of relaxation.
This afternoon, I am acknowledging that I have ‘missed’ this summer
altogether in my efforts to fulfill as many of my commitments as
possible.[ Read More]
Written by eldering at Personal Empowerment
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By Stu WhitleyBioThis is the second in a three-part series.
Einstein is supposed to have said that the most important decision we
ever make is whether the world is a good place or a bad place. I don’t
believe that we consciously make that decision – we are taught to
believe it, one way or the other, and the most difficult lesson of all
to unlearn is that we live in a hostile universe. There are just too
many confirmatory events that tend to erode our courage to think
differently.[ Read More]
Written by eldering at Learning
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This post was contributed by Shae Hadden.
I find myself wondering why we let a difference in our ages limit how
we relate to each other in our personal relationships. I’m not speaking
of the obvious social taboos like pedophilia and infantophilia. It’s
the relationships between consenting adults that have me pondering. Why
are different arrangements acceptable in different cultures and
societies? Why is what is considered perverse in one accepted in
another? Why is the most common pattern of heterosexual relationships
still a slightly older man with a younger woman? Why is it that age
disparity is less of an issue the older the partners involved are?
Psychologists have developed a host of terms to describe age-disparate
relationships such as gerontophilia (attraction of non-elderly people
to the elderly), teleiophilia (attraction of young people to the
elderly) and the more general chronophilia (for any age-related
preference). These terms make intergenerational relationships sound
like a disease. They even assign ‘causes’ in the form of reasons for
the attraction—usually from financial and social security to
compensation for lack of parental bonding. These analyses would
discourage even the most warm-hearted from developing a relationship
with an older person.
Social imprinting impresses us with a host of concerns and assumptions
about intimate relationships that step outside what is considered
‘normal’.
- When the woman is 5 years or more older than her male partner,
will she be able to have children and raise a family in the time left
on her ‘biological clock’?
- Should very elderly people form intimate relationships when they obviously have so little time left?
- With partners who have more than a 15 or 20-year difference in age, what will happen when the older person dies?
- Can these May/December relationships work at all, considering neither individual may be accepted by their partner’s peer group?
- Can they understand, accept and respect each other’s viewpoint when they come from different generations?
- How will they deal with the perception of others?
We’ve also inherited disparaging terminology to classify the people
involved in age-disparate relationships—from cougars, bobcats and pumas
(women in their 40s, 30s and 20s with younger men) to the traditional
gold digger who robs the grave and the ‘Sugar Daddy’ who chases younger
women.
Do we need to perpetuate this ageism in our relationships?
We are all in relationship with older and younger people all our lives.
When it comes to committed relationships, we can choose whether we want
to limit ourselves based on age or not. Certainly, partners need to
align themselves in the areas of health and shared dreams; however,
they need not let looking good, fear of losing the other partner,
issues concerning their changing bodies or energy affect their choice.
We have no control over what other people think of us, no control over
who we love or who loves us, no control over when it will be impossible
to have children anymore, and definitely no control over when we will
die. No matter what our age now, we are all growing older and we will
all die someday. Why deny ourselves any time together on the basis of
any of society’s prejudices?
I propose the following basic tenets for a new ageless perspective on committed adult relationships:
- Both partners choose to have no problem with the difference in their ages
- Both authentically love each other as they are
- Both are committed to each other and to the relationship
- Both people satisfy and enjoy each other
- Both commit to never taking the other for granted
- Both have a profound connection that makes them right for each other
As I did in my marriage, I would advocate agreeing to be together for
as long as both people continue to grow and learn from each other, and
that they are both free to move on when that is no longer the case.
Thank you, David, for letting me learn and grow with you these past 20
years. I never once thought of the difference in our ages … only of who
we were for each other.
PS. Here are some interesting examples of relationships with age disparity of 10 or more years.
[ Read More]
Written by Shae Hadden at Personal Empowerment
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