Listening II |
Friday Mar 02 2007
By Marilyn Hay
How much do we miss in non-verbal communication just in passing? Do we respond to what other people are telling us about themselves unconsciously, simply responding to their words? Or do we check what they’re saying against the non-verbal cues they are unconsciously projecting? I call these unconscious messages ‘heartsongs’.
I wonder if we so often don’t pay attention to, or address, heartsongs because we feel we’d somehow be intruding in another’s privacy, or that ‘it’s none of our business.’ Or perhaps we think we’re too busy to get into something that doesn’t really pertain directly to us. But … we are all part of this great community of life, not separate and apart, isolated from one another, unless we choose to be. There is so much more possibility of what our relationships could be with the people around us, so much more joy in what we can become in one another’s life. Simply truly listening to the spoken message can have powerful outcomes for communication and relationships. However, I’ve learned that listening and responding to the heartsongs can make life richer, more amazing, more wonderful, more beautiful and magical than I could have ever imagined it could be.
I remember when I was appointed to my position as Regional Director General, I met with the man who was acting until I was to arrive some weeks later. He briefed me thoroughly and was entirely supportive and welcoming despite the fact that organizational reductions of executives meant that when I arrived, he would be laid off. So he was taking early retirement. I asked what he planned to do with his time, and he shrugged, looked away, as he hadn’t yet decided. I asked how it was that he was the one who was being laid off, as there were other executives in the region, peers of his that were temporarily his subordinates because of his acting responsibilities. Again, he shrugged and looked away. Well, they were younger, still had a great deal to offer and he figured it was best if he volunteered to go. Uh huh. The words said he was glad to go, that he was alright with the decision. The body language said something else entirely.
I spent the next several days finding out more about this man, and learned he was uniformly highly esteemed by the headquarters people, other regions, his colleagues, his provincial counterparts, the aboriginal stakeholders and so on. Somehow, that came as no surprise. I called him and asked if he really wanted to retire. He was surprised by the question and said that someone had to leave. I told him that wasn’t what I asked, and then more specifically enquired, “Would you be willing to stay?” Again, he said he didn’t know how that could be arranged. “Think about it,” I said. “Everyone tells me that you’re extraordinary, that you’re trusted beyond all others, that you have incredible integrity and you do exceptional work. I need you in the region, I think the department needs your continued contributions, and I’d like you to stay.” There was a very long pause; it was pretty clear that no one had ever told him straight out how valued he was, how respected.
Well, the long and the short of it is, he finally admitted when I arrived to take the reins that he really didn’t want to retire. So, then I asked him what his terms were to stay. “Terms?” he echoed, confused. “Well, you have a good severance package because this is a layoff situation. I’d think you’d want some guarantees if you were going to stay to help me as the new executive head. I’ll do my best to get you what you want.” The result was that I negotiated special permission from the Deputy Minister to keep this man on board because he was too good to let go, especially as I was there on a learning assignment and he was the one who truly knew the job. He stayed as the Associate Director General. He and I ran the region together and, five years later when I left for another position, he again acted until he was really ready to retire nearly a year later. We had a lot of successes in those years, and I got a lot of credit as the regional head, but I was always clear with everyone that I could not have done it, that the region would not have been so strong, if not for him. If I hadn’t listened to his ‘heartsong’, I would have missed so much, lost so much, in what he taught me, his sincere support over the years, the excellence of the work he did. And he’s since told me how much he appreciated the opportunity to stay, because he hadn’t really wanted to go.
To hear heartsongs and respond to them, one has to care enough about other people as people, as fellow beings sharing life's journey, to listen. It certainly makes a difference in all our lives. We'll never know or experience the richness of the possibilities around us until we do.
Written by admin at Learning
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