By Jim Selman | Bio One of the toughest things we ever learn is to ‘let go’. I can’ t remember all the times I have made resolutions or tried to ‘reinvent’ myself or start over in one way or another. Every time we end a relationship or a job or some deeply ingrained habit (whether voluntary or involuntary) we must confront the break between the certain past and the possible future. And as far as I know there is no way to create and experience a ‘new’ future without letting go of the past.
But what does it mean to let go?
First we must ask what is ‘there’ to let go of. The past is made up of thoughts, feelings, embodied patterns, beliefs, moods, memories, and habits. Together they comprise the ‘story’ that we’re attached to and is, in most cases, bigger than we are. It is probably not an accident that we call the past history --- HIS STORY. So the answer is that what we have to give up to let go of the past is our story --- the nonstop narrative about the ‘way it is’, ‘what it means’ and ‘why everything is the way it is’.
But letting go of our story isn’t so easy.
The reason letting go can be difficult is that we actually believe that our story is true is the sense that it accurately describes what happened or what caused the present to be the way it is. If something in our story is not accurate then we believe just as fiercely that it must be false. What is not so evident is that while we can acknowledge poor memory or critique our analysis of why something happened or what it means, we rarely question our mega-belief that the past is the CAUSE of the present and therefore the future. This belief then becomes the basis or our practices of forecasting or predicting what will happen in the future and then organizing our actions and commitments around what we predict will happen.
For example when planning budgets in most organizations, the starting point is to project a trend to determine what we expect will happen in a year and then based on that forecast, plans are made and resources allocated to achieve a goal given that forecast. The results will inevitably validate the planners assumptions or when they are not forthcoming a plausible explanation of causality anchored in the past is required to keep the process going.
The result of this belief and associated practices is that we are continually living ‘into the past’ that we project as a prediction that in turn makes it virtually impossible to ever really let go of the past. This structure of thinking is tantamount to trying to get out of our own skin.
As we get older we need to appreciate that the more we let go the more time and experience we have left. I think that the key to ageing well and just about everything else in life is the ability to ‘be present’ to be fully ‘in the moment’. When we’re attached to our story or the past we are not present and time is always proportional to the past and how long we’ve lived. That is why a year can be forever for a child and is the blink of an eye for someone who is very old. When we are living in present time, then our experience is not related to anything else and is for all practical purposes ‘timeless’. As the old proverb goes, we can live one experience ten thousand times or we can have ten thousand experiences. The key is learning to ‘let go’ so that each day is a ‘new beginning’.
Written by eldering at Fearless Aging
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By Jim Selman | Bio
As long as I can remember, people have been
telling me to relax, enjoy the moment, smell the roses and just take it
easy—to live life one day at a time. That’s a challenge when we’re
younger, when we have many goals and not a lot of history under our
belt. As we age, we eventually realize we’re not going to accomplish
everything. So what happens when we realize there are a lot of
expectations we have that will never be fulfilled?[ Read More]
Written by eldering at Fearless Aging
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By Jim Selman | Bio
I have a friend who is really upset because
she feels she was pressured into a particularly large purchase and not
appreciated afterwards. It occurs to me that this could be a concern for
many single women, especially as they grow older. We read daily of
various scams to help older people part with their money. While I don’t
think that women are the only ones affected, they do seem to be targeted
more often than not. In the case of my friend, the issue wasn’t one of
the salesmen being dishonest, but simply not being particularly
sensitive to her feelings. Add to this that he was shortsighted in his
failure to say "Thank you" appropriately (which could be interpreted as a
seeming lack of respect for a senior) and you have an 'upset' waiting
to happen.[ Read More]
Written by eldering at Fearless Aging
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By 2012, 50% of Americans will be over 60. Most of us can expect the gift of an additional 30 years of life. What will we do with this gift? Surviving old age is not enough. [ Read More]
Written by eldering at Fearless Aging
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By Jim Selman | Bio
Stephanie Chen, a writer for CNN, recently published " No Retirement for These Older Folks, Just Work"
about older workers and the fact that more and more people have to keep
working well beyond their 'retirement age'. For some, this is purely a
function of economic necessity. For others, it is a choice. The piece
included two examples, a 91-year-old postal worker and a 101-year-old
legislative employee who are still going strong. If we're to believe the
predictions from Washington DC, everyone is going to be working longer
as a function of keeping Social Security solvent. The examples in Stephanie Chen's article are exceptions that prove the rule that states[ Read More]
Written by eldering at Fearless Aging
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By Jim Selman | Bio
Someone
said to me in a meeting yesterday that there are a billion blogs. The
number seemed high, so I did what we all do these days. I went to Google
and in about 30 seconds of looking at “How many Blogs are there”, I was
assured there are closer to 100 million, with about 175 thousand new
ones being created every day. So while the billion estimate was a bit
exaggerated, it is obvious that there are a LOT of blogs. This got me thinking: why so many?[ Read More]
Written by eldering at Fearless Aging
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By Jim Selman | Bio
Do we have an economic problem or a spiritual problem?
My teacher and friend Dr. Fernando Flores was a candidate for the
Presidency of Chile. In one of his speeches, he declared, “We don’t have
an economic problem so much as we have a spiritual one…we’ve forgotten
who we are…we lack a vision and purpose for our nation”. He dropped out
of the presidential race, but this phrase has stayed with me. I think it
is true of most nations, including our own.
There is a maxim that states, “A vision without action is just a dream.
Action without a vision is a nightmare.” A vision provides a context, a
ground of being for our lives. A vision is not a goal: it is the
organizing principle for whatever goals we may have. A vision is a place
to stand—the future as possibility—a place to ‘come from’ in all that
we undertake.[ Read More]
Written by eldering at Fearless Aging
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By Jim Selman | Bio
I read an article recently describing what can only be described as a ‘feeding frenzy’ over the name and legacy of Nelson Mandela—one of the great leaders of our generation. This isn’t different from the kind of greedy infighting between family, friends and constituents that happens far too often when patriarchs become unable to manage their own affairs or [ Read More]
Written by eldering at Fearless Aging
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 By Jim Selman | Bio
It seems to me that there are three
fundamental relationships that we all share as human beings: 1) our
relationship with ourselves and other people, 2) our relationship with
our circumstances, and 3) our relationship with time. When we are
inflexible or stuck in habitual ways of being in any of these areas, we
become trapped in a condition from which we cannot extract ourselves: we
are caught in a ‘self-referential’ spiral in which the more we attempt
to improve a situation, the more intractable it becomes. In the extreme,
this condition becomes an addiction— whether to a substance, a behavior
or an ideology.[ Read More]
Written by eldering at Fearless Aging
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