By Ana Lepri
There is a humorous
1-1/2 minute video called Masi,
Me Tiro which is winning awards around the world. It has
inspired me to reflect on how we listen to others. The characters
demonstrate that our listening is often filtered through our personal
judgments and preconceptions of others. This filtering limits our
ability to listen. We find ourselves reacting to what’s being said and
to who we think they are based on our history and their identity (or
appearance). We are prisoners of our stories about them. We are not
really listening to what the other person is saying.
In the
video, the two men are trapped inside their own circular conversations,
unable to hear or validate the other person except inside the
interpretation they have of them. They react to each other without
listening.
I find myself often caught up in reactive
conversations. This is how we normaily interact in our daily lives in
society. I realize that every time I experience the type of stress
response these two men demonstrate that I can change my experience of
what’s happening and the other person by changing my listening. I can
re-engage with them and listen, not from my judgments, but from a place
of acceptance and validation.
As Humberto Maturana, the Chilean
biologist and author, says: "The acceptance of others as a legitimate
other is a prerequisite of language.” If we do not accept the other
person as a legitimate other, our listening will always limit and
obstruct our communication. The good news is that if we commit ourselves
to listen actively, without preconceptions and judgments, we can become
effective listeners.
Listening actively to the other person
is a commitment, a commitment that legitimizes the other and allows for
effective communication and creativity. Listening validates the talker,
not the listener. Listening is the key factor in communication. Peter
Drucker said: "Too many executives think they are wonderful with people
because they speak well and do not realize to be wonderful with people
means to listen well."
The actual value in a conversation is
only discovered when preceded by our commitment to listen for the
possibility the other person is. We can relate better to others in
conversation when we focus on these key question:
- What am
I learning here?
- What new possibilities can we open up if I am
committed to listening for possibility?
- What new worlds could
we then create?
Conversation, like art, always evokes and
provokes us to look for possibility. View Masi
Me Tiro on YouTube.
Written by eldering at Learning
Tagged with:
acceptance
communication
humberto_maturana
language
listening
masi_me_tiro
peter_drucker
This story was submitted by Cindy La Ferle over at Cindy's Home Office.
Until
I met Sylva B., I rarely socialized with 'older people' outside my
family circle. When I wasn’t working, I hung out with friends my own
age. At least 40 years my senior, Sylva was the silver-haired
personnel manager who interviewed me for my first job in reference book
publishing in Detroit. I was 25 then, and desperate to get my career
off the ground. Applying for an entry level position, I was required to
pass a typing test and a two-hour literature exam. I was so nervous
during the session that my fingers froze at the keys and I flunked the
typing test on the first try.[ Read More]
Written by eldering at Learning
Tagged with:
friends
friendship
intergenerational
mentor
older
wisdom
By Kay Costley-White
The most joyful person I have ever met was a young man dying of AIDS. Chris’s path to serenity had been long and difficult.
In the early 1990s, his family, afraid of their community's reaction to
his gay lifestyle, rejected him. He moved from central Canada to
Vancouver, developed a family of choice, and lived with a partner
committed to a life-long relationship. But his partner and many of his
friends died of AIDS. Then his place of employment found out the reason
for his many absences for sick leave, and he was fired on the spot.
Later, life-threatening infections kept him in hospital, too weak to
care for himself. When I knew him, he understood that there was no hope
for a cure or prolongation of his life. Medicine could do nothing
beyond keeping him comfortable, and he was facing his imminent death.[ Read More]
Written by eldering at Learning
Tagged with:
die
dying
healing
learning
living
serenity
to
By Marilyn Hay
What if our thoughts had
power—the power to bring us what we think about? Sounds like magic …
or, perhaps, craziness. But what if it’s true? I’ve heard
about intentional thinking and the Law of Attraction from a variety of
different sources over the past year, only recently stopping long
enough to pay attention and learn what they are about. Simply put,
everything in the universe is energy and all energy is connected—we are
all part of the whole. Our thoughts, like everything else, have energy
that resonates with the universe and the universe ‘sends’ us more of
what we’ve been thinking about. So, if we’re thinking about what makes
us grateful, we get more of whatever that is. If we think about a thing
or circumstance we don’t want, we get more of it.[ Read More]
Written by eldering at Learning
Join discussion COMMENTS [1]
Tagged with:
intention
law-of-attraction
surrendering
By Kay Costley-White
A
lot is written these days about aging gracefully. As we approach our
senior years, we also become aware of a vague dread: we don’t want to
acknowledge our fear of dying.
Evolution, while fitting us
with an urgent will to survive and multiply, also equipped us with a
powerful, instinctive fear of death. It is perfectly normal and natural
to have a strong aversion to anything to do with it. Many people end
their lives without ever addressing the issue. But if we choose to open
up to this part of our genetic makeup, what is it really about? Does it
relate to the course of illness leading to the body’s demise, to the
process of dying itself, or to fear of what comes after? Or is it a
combination of all three, with a host of other unnamed distresses
tagging along?[ Read More]
Written by eldering at Learning
Tagged with:
aging
death
dying
fear
fears
gracefully
living
By Marilyn Hay
How much do we miss in non-verbal communication just in passing? Do we
respond to what other people are telling us about themselves
unconsciously, simply responding to their words? Or do we check what
they’re saying against the non-verbal cues they are unconsciously
projecting? I call these unconscious messages ‘heartsongs’.
[ Read More]
Written by eldering at Learning
Tagged with:
attention
caring
communication
heartsong
By Marilyn Hay
How
many people truly listen well? How much more common is it to ‘hear’
what we expect to hear, or to jump in to put our own views forward
rather than concentrate on what the other person is saying? Sometimes
we make assumptions about what the speaker is saying, about their
intentions. We color everything with our worldview, with what matters
to us. If we don’t trust the boss, we won’t believe what they’re saying
or we’ll think they have some hidden agenda. If we feel vulnerable, we
may well perceive threats that are implied, not real. If we have
something to sell, we may listen for an opening to put our ideas or
goods on the table. How often do we bemoan or hear others wail, “Nobody
listens to me!” [ Read More]
Written by eldering at Learning
Tagged with:
acknowledgement
active
change
hearing
listening
positive
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